inspired by adams, Cuomo staffer bribes reporter with cash inside of pasta carbonara

When he said the sauce was rich, we didn’t think he meant literally

It seems potato chips were just the appetizer in New York’s long-running corruption tasting menu. In a move that could only be described as Michelin-starred misconduct, a Cuomo staffer has allegedly handed a journalist a piping hot plate of pasta carbonara with a side of rolled-up cash sprinkled in like extra parm.

Eyewitnesses report the hand-off was seamless:

“He slid the envelope in between the guanciale and the pecorino,” said one onlooker. “By the time the reporter twirled the first forkful, the bills were already coated in egg yolk. Honestly, kind of beautiful.”

When questioned, the staffer defended the exchange as cultural hospitality:

“In Italy, we show love with pasta. In Albany, we show influence with pasta and money.”

And apparently, this is far from an isolated incident.

“This kind of thing happens all the time,” said another source. “Chuck Schumer once handed me a knish. Inside? A fifty-dollar bill. Still warm.”

Of course, Cuomo himself was quick to distance from the scandal, reminding reporters of his signature catchphrase: “I’m not perverted, I’m just Italian.” He then clarified that cash-stuffed carbonara falls under the category of “culinary gestures of affection,” before adding that no one appreciates “a firm, consensual plate of rigatoni” more than he does.

Political insiders are now speculating what culinary bribe might come next. Will Kathy Hochul start slipping $20s into Buffalo wings? What’ll be found at the bottom of that cup of chai that Mamdani promised one lucky winner from his socialist scavenger hunt? One thing’s for sure - if you’ve got a press badge in this town, dinner is on the house.