Eric Adams Drops Out After Realizing “Being Mayor Is Actually Just a Job”

Eric Adams stunned New Yorkers this morning by announcing he’s dropping out of…well, being mayor. In an emotional press conference held at Zero Bond at 3 a.m., Adams explained that he simply hadn’t realized the role came with “actual responsibilities.”

“When I ran, I thought it was more of a vibe thing,” Adams admitted, sipping a green juice. “Shake some hands, look good in a suit, hit the club, maybe DJ a little. But then people kept asking me to ‘fix things’—subways, housing, rats. That’s not what I signed up for.”

Adams said the final straw came last week when he learned the mayor is technically in charge of garbage pickup. “Garbage? Like, trash? I thought that was the Sanitation Fairy,” Adams said, visibly shaken.

His exit leaves New York in uncharted territory. Asked who would be in charge until the next election, one City Hall staffer shrugged and muttered, “Probably the rats. They already run the place.”

Adams, however, insisted he’ll be fine. “Don’t worry about me. I’m pivoting to my true passion—becoming the first influencer to livestream a juice cleanse for 8 million people. My new platform is called ‘Mayor of Me.’”

Before leaving the podium, Adams offered one last piece of advice to the city he once led: “Remember—being mayor is temporary, but bottle service is forever.”