LuPone Hires Baritone to Follow McDonald and Sigh Dramatically Behind Her

The Burned Bagel
Written By Stephanie A.

In an act of theatrical hostility unseen since the Cats revival tried to outlive its nine lives, Patti LuPone has officially revoked Audra McDonald’s backstage privileges and classified her as “Not a Friend” the Broadway equivalent of a nuclear option.

LuPone, 75, reportedly made the announcement from the balcony of a haunted Schubert Theatre, wearing a feather boa made entirely of old Playbills and holding a scepter crafted from broken Equity pens. She then stared directly into the camera for 15 seconds and said nothing, which theater historians have since confirmed was “the shadiest silence in recorded history.”

In the latest escalation of Broadway’s most passive-aggressive feud, Patti LuPone has reportedly hired a full-time baritone to follow Audra McDonald around Manhattan and sigh dramatically within a six-foot radius at all times.

The baritone, a Juilliard dropout named Trevor, now trails McDonald through grocery stores, Equity meetings, and even SoulCycle, where his low-register sighs have caused multiple bikes to tip over. Dressed in crushed velvet and combat boots, he reportedly hums, “Everything’s Coming Up Roses” whenever McDonald orders anything with oat milk.

Sources close to LuPone say this move was “inevitable” after she declared in a recent interview that McDonald is “not a friend.” When pressed for details, LuPone stared out a window for 15 full seconds and whispered, “Look at the trees. They’re free.”

Trevor is said to be compensated in vibes, a modest stipend, and the promise of “eventual vengeance.”

What Happens Next?

LuPone is reportedly considering additional personnel, including a town crier to announce McDonald’s entrance at all restaurants, and a dramaturg who mutters “That choice was interesting…” after everything she says.

Union reps are conflicted. “We’ve never had to negotiate for a professional sigh artist before,” said an exasperated Equity spokesperson. “But this is Broadway. We adapt.”

Stay tuned, theater fans.

Stephanie A.

Stephanie once found herself very nearly kicked out of the Morgan Museum and Library for weeping incessantly over a lock of Mary Shelley’s hair on display. Apparently the other patrons found that disturbing. Beyond that though, Stephanie is a freelance writer, novelist and owner of the Wandering Why Traveler brand. She lives in the ‘Little Odessa’ part of Brooklyn where’s she’s been studying Russian for nearly a decade yet hasn’t learned jack-shit about the language, somehow. It’s probably because she’s always consumed in art history seminars, museum visits, and indie bookstores. She’s a voracious reader, a prolific writer, and enjoys both the glitter and grit of New York City. An ‘old soul’ is how she describes herself because of her love of classics, actors like Marlon Brando, and penchant for Van Morrison, Motown, and early bedtimes.  

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