New York times confirms only two cuisines exist: noodles in red sauce or noodles in soy sauce

The Burned Bagel
Written By Stephanie A.

The New York Times released its highly anticipated list of the Top 100 Restaurants in NYC this week, proudly showcasing the city’s rich culinary tapestry mainly composed of noodles in different emotional states.

While the list technically spans global cuisines, readers couldn’t help but notice a certain… trend. Specifically, that the city’s “best” restaurants are apparently all either 1) slinging silky tagliatelle in a brown butter reduction or 2) pouring steaming bowls of broth over perfectly chewy wheat-based spirals of comfort.

“We stand by our selections,” said lead food editor Basil Ragù, who was spotted earlier in the week wearing a ‘Pasta for the People’ tote and eating dan dan noodles with a fork and an apology. “This city is a noodle symphony. There are basslines of soba, high notes of mafaldine, and just a touch of crunchy chili oil to make it feel rebellious.”

When pressed about the lack of variety, Ragù explained, “Of course we added a few Korean BBQ spots, a couple Indian places, and a dash of Austrian and Sri Lankan restaurants so we don’t get yelled at on Instagram. But let’s be real—New York eats pasta and soup. Sometimes spicy, sometimes creamy, always twirlable.”

The list features 46 Italian spots, 41 Asian noodle joints, and 13 “miscellaneous” entries, including a new Midtown deli that serves spaghetti-stuffed bagels called “Carbs on the Cob.” While the restaurants themselves range from Michelin-starred to mom-and-pop, critics agree: the vibe is consistent, the slurping is encouraged, and the carbs are hot.

A leaked Slack message from the NYT dining team reads, “Should we include a Latin American spot this year or just say ‘this tortellini slaps’ again?” Another editor responded with a GIF of a ramen egg slowly being sliced in half, captioned: “This is enough diversity.”

Local New Yorkers have responded with mixed feelings.

“I mean, yeah, I noticed half the places are some variation of noodle,” said 31-year-old Lower East Side resident Tessa, stirring cacio e pepe into her miso broth. “But like… that’s literally what I eat for dinner every night. So it felt validating.”

Meanwhile, East Village resident and failed food critic Devin Maldonado was less impressed: “My Dominican grandmother has been cooking in this city since 1962, but I guess she should’ve opened a gnocchi stall in Chinatown if she wanted the Times to care.”

Still, Ragù and the team remain unfazed. “Noodles are universal. Noodles are love. Noodles are a lazy metaphor we’ll ride into eternity,” he said, polishing off a kombu carbonara and ordering a pasta tasting flight “just to be sure.”

Plans for next year’s list are already in motion, with rumors of a category called “Handmade Noodles That Cured the Chef’s Divorce.”

Stephanie A.

Stephanie once found herself very nearly kicked out of the Morgan Museum and Library for weeping incessantly over a lock of Mary Shelley’s hair on display. Apparently the other patrons found that disturbing. Beyond that though, Stephanie is a freelance writer, novelist and owner of the Wandering Why Traveler brand. She lives in the ‘Little Odessa’ part of Brooklyn where’s she’s been studying Russian for nearly a decade yet hasn’t learned jack-shit about the language, somehow. It’s probably because she’s always consumed in art history seminars, museum visits, and indie bookstores. She’s a voracious reader, a prolific writer, and enjoys both the glitter and grit of New York City. An ‘old soul’ is how she describes herself because of her love of classics, actors like Marlon Brando, and penchant for Van Morrison, Motown, and early bedtimes.  

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