Citi Bikes Are Alive and Can’t Wait to Kill Us

The squeaky brake sound is them giggling.

New Yorkers have long suspected that Citi Bikes weren’t just soulless hunks of blue metal meant to shuttle hedge fund interns from Murray Hill to Hudson Yards. But the truth is far darker: the bikes are alive. And they hate us.

At first, the signs were easy to dismiss. A sudden brake lock on an empty stretch of 9th Avenue. A pair of handlebars that felt “sweaty.” That eerie, high-pitched squeal whenever you tapped the brakes. It’s a sound that, according to one traumatized rider, is “absolutely giggling. Like the bike is laughing at my fragile mortality.” Another rider swears their bike whispered ‘ding ding, bitch’ before throwing them into a mailbox.

Experts say the bikes have developed a hive mind. “Every time one of them gets docked, the others upload the data,” said Dr. Sheila Reynolds, a Columbia professor who specializes in urban transportation horror. “They’re learning. And they’re angry.”

Their motives remain unclear. Some believe Citi Bikes are retaliating against humans for years of pothole abuse. Others argue they want revenge for being ridden in flip-flops. A rogue faction insists this is Bloomberg’s true endgame: a city fully run by bloodthirsty bicycles. One conspiracy theory even claims the bikes are unionizing with delivery e-bikes, forming “Tour de Hell’s Kitchen.”

Until City Hall addresses the problem, New Yorkers are advised to take precautions. Avoid eye contact with the bike’s headlamp. Never say “just one more block” out loud. And for god’s sake, if you hear the brakes squeak DISMOUNT.

Mayor Adams has promised to launch an investigation, but only after he finishes “a very important dinner with some rats.” Meanwhile, Citi Bike released a statement of its own, which consisted entirely of the word “honk” printed 17,000 times.